There is no Japan in the Land of Middle-Earth
by Allergic2All
Summary: Merry is blind, Pip has OD on shrooms, and Legolas looks fabulous in green. All you Lego loving fan girls gather 'round for this one!


Merry and Pip are talking in a magical meadow full of gentle wildlife, flowing golden streams of sun light, water falls, rainbows, and mushrooms. Come to think of it, the two are sitting on a gigantic mushroom.  
  
"Wow, this is a big mushroom! Aye, Pippers?" Pippin does not respond, because he is two busy eating the monstrous shroom.  
  
"Lookie over there!" Merry shouts, pointing to a figure in the distance. Pippin continued to eat. "It's Legolas! He's so beautiful and pretty and effeminate. Don't you wish we were womanly like Pippers?" Pip continued to chow down.  
  
"Hi there! It is I Legolas! You know it is me because I'm so damn beautiful. Would you like to brush my hair?"  
  
"YES!" Legolas jumps up on the large shroom, and sits cross legged allowing the little hobbit to brush his hair.  
  
"My long, flowing, gorgeous, silky smooth hair. See how is shines in the sun." Merry looks directly into the glare of Legolas's hair and is blinded.  
  
"OH GOD IT'S BEAUTIFUL!" Pippin watched as his friend fell of the mushroom, writhing on the ground.  
  
"Not another one…." Legolas mumbled, looking over the side of the giant cap. Merry's eyes began to bleed, but he was smiling.  
  
"Lego….." Pippin moaned.  
  
"What's wrong Pip?" Legolas looked the little hobbit over. His face was pale and his eyes, they were so huge. So very, very huge.  
  
"Lego……I don't……." Pip looked as if he was about to vomit. Legolas quickly whipped out a shower cap to protect his beautiful self.  
  
"Well Pip, I think you've had far too many mushrooms. Come 'er, let me take that last-"  
  
"Stay back you blonde bastard!" Pippin clutched his mushroom chunk protectively to his chest.  
  
"You won't get it away," Merry cried from the ground, "he's too strong in this state!" Legolas scratched his head, or the shower cap upon his head.  
  
"Well then, we must get to an apothecary." Legolas quickly picked up the small brunette and jumped from the giant mushroom cap. "I will return!" He screamed, throwing the shower cap from his head, and then dashed down the road.  
  
"Beautiful and caring! That Legolas, what a man!"  
  
So Legolas began to ran. He ran, and ran and ran. It is says somewhere that he rested at times, but that is just a fable. Legolas was strong, and knew poor Pip needed help. This became more and more clear when instead of chanting "Lego" over and over, Pip began to say "Lego mah Legolas." But the handsome prince never let it faze him. He had to be strong. Strong and look fabulous in green. But then, something horrible happened, something nightmarish, unholy, evil and vile. Something that was forsaken by all the world rose from the dark shadows of……..the Shire.  
  
(And by dark shadows of the Shire I mean those big open grassy fields where young children play and sing, and the sun is always shining and there a smile on each hobbits face as they carry out their days toil in song and pleasure.)  
  
Legolas felt a chill. One, because he recognized that sound. Two because he recognized this sort of plot twist done before by fan girls and he knows it's crappy and unfunny. Woe unto you writer of this fic, you have sunk so low as to make your monstrous villain a fangirl.  
  
"LEGGY-SAMA!"  
  
"WHY? Why must you call my name in such a way!?!?" Legolas screamed, his feet picking up in pace, his long locks of gold streaming out behind him.  
  
"Leggy-sama!" The over sized creature called back. Apparently, the thing did not know how to hold a decent conversation, listen to reason or deal with reality. Truly the worst thing the elf prince could encounter at the time, with the poor weak Pip in his arms.  
  
"What is this Leggy-sama? I do not know of who you speak! I am Legolas, son of something that most likely sounds like my own name knowing how Tolkien freaking writes."  
  
"Leggy-sama!"  
  
"You are stupid! I am Legolas! Legolas you over weight cartoon watching, pocky eating, fan fic writing, lifeless manga jocky!" Even upset, Legolas looked so damn good.  
  
"Leggy-sama! You see, in Japan…"  
  
"Japan?" Legolas came to a halt, "where is this Japan?"  
  
"It's a country."  
  
"Country? All of your disgusting kind has named me after a place that does not exist?"  
  
"It does exist, and we call you Leggy-sama because," at this point Pippin puked all over the girls Rayearth shirt.  
  
"That series sucks," he choked out.  
  
"AH! You short little SOB!" The fan thing dove for the hobbit, but Legolas was quicker. He punched her in the face. Apparently it hurt cause she fell over and never got up.  
  
"I broke a nail!"  
  
"Legolas," Pippin looked up from his place in the princes arms, "you saved me. You saved from * cough * the ultimate evil."  
  
"Pip, what's wrong?"  
  
"* cough * I don't know."  
  
"We have to get you to the apothecary! If we don't, I fear…"  
  
"No," the hobbit whispered, "you have done * cough * enough." And with that, Pippins eyes closed.  
  
Legolas is left alone in the clearing, the body of the snoring Pippin in his arms, a few pieces of mushroom still in the corner of his mouth. You see a tear, a perfect tear is Legolas's perfect blue eye. So much anger. He screams his anguish.  
  
"FAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGIRLS!" There's a sweet birds eye view shot as we swirl upwards over the screaming Legolas, who soon falls to weep on the fallen Pippin, still clutching that large piece of mushroom. And in the distance, above this beautiful scene, past the corpse of the fan girl, over the sweeping meadows, and into the now falling sun we hear the mournful cry of Meridoc Vrandybuck…..  
  
OH GOD IT'S BEAUTIFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUL! 


End file.
